....ANDDD I just became confused during sexting and sent my mother a text describing a "porno-worthy cum shot."
she pooed on me. she actually pooed on me.
he accidentally used the toothbrush i use to induce my bulemia...i feel like this is something he shouldnt find out...
After 12 shots he decided to show us knife tricks. You can figure out how it ended
Uh oh. Middle aged belly dancers. And they just got out swords. Shit is about to get real.
Don't ask how or why, but I think the 775 on the inside of my lip is permanent
I am wearing two different shoes and just swallowed my gum. Wake the fuck up and bang the bartender already.
Turning 21 will be slightly bittersweet. Never again will I be able to get underage drunk at Disney World, now I'll only be able to get legal drunk and that just sets a whole different and sad tone for my life.
Word of advice, don't put your jar if peanut butter in the microwave, blue fire comes out
Put some vodka in it
Its 7am
put some vodka in it
i think ive reached a prime reproductive point in my life or somethin- i see gingers and all i want to do is have their babies. like my body knows that i have a to carry on a legacy
I could teach a class on "expressing your thanks through photos taken of yourself in the shower"
And with the bitter taste of failure in my mouth, i am off to pub to drown it in tequila and 19 year olds, so in the morning i can add pregnancy and stds to my list of problems.
Looking back, we probably shouldn't have chased alcohol with more alcohol
He kept apologizing that the nerve damage makes him take a while to finish. Meanwhile he gave me 3 orgasms and a leg cramp
Only you could benefit from a reckless driver
Randomize
