Tip for today: never try to fart and swallow at the same time. You'll end up choking on whatever you are currently swallowing and shit yourself from the freakout of choking.
Someone told me that drinking would get me no where in life. Drinking has gotten me everywhere in life.
I wanted to dispute a few 411 charges on my phone bill. The service rep told me I called them four times asking for Lady Gaga's number.
So I think I just got a job offer from the guy I used to blow. See, networking pays off.
and on the fourth day, god made foam parties.
The timing couldn't have been better if I planned it. His mom walked away, I vomited in their mulch, and then his mom came back and offered me bread.
running the faucet water is not hiding the sound of you vomiting. fyi.
Just think. Tomorrow you'll wake up, shower, and get your brains fucked out. That's your ice cream. Today is your peas and carrots.
I kinda wanna eat your hands right now.
Put down the everclear and go to bed.
WHYAREWHITEGUYSSOBADINBED?! What the fuck went wrong, evolution?
So we just smoked a bowl, out of an antler, with this old dude, while standing at the bar. Dude just walked up and said we were in his spot, just began packing it and handing it around...
I found a 9 minute video on my phone of you singing into an eggplant.
I was literally so lonely last night that I stopped watching a video on porn hub and just read the comments
There's a Russian superstition that you'll spend your year the way you celebrate New Year's, so I'm honestly not that surprised you're drunk.
He told his wife he was too old to pretend to be straight. She tried to argue. He walked two tables over and was like this is my highschool sweetheart and he's an excellent fuck, we're running away together. It was epic.
Randomize
