Everytime she opens her mouth it's like a fucking terrorist attack on my life.
Last night I went to an anything but cups party. I took a hummingbird feeder. It was a terrible decision.
i feel like his penis is a security blanet. i cant fall asleep unless its in my hand
When the cops came you just told them you'd go to your time out corner.
I would like to apologize for asking to take advantage of you, wishing you a horny Hanukkah and whatever "abd ethw prnym to mzbe yur penis cna be friends" means.
You blacked out and walked in on my neighbor breast feeding at 3am yelling "where is my best friend". I think we should go apologize.
We went to the casino to try to earn enough money to go to new Orleans comfortably. I'm already drunk. This is a horribly immoral start to summer.
I don't understand how these people can do extreme gymnastics and I have problems walking up the stairs.
I sobered up and saw I was with the fat one and you had left laughing with the hot one. You're a terrible wingman, but an excellent manipulator
I sang "A Whole New World" while I took his virginity
That is awesome that you did that.
shes wearing an ankle tracker so she should be easy to find
I ordered more beers for everyone but had to finish them all. I promptly went outside and projectile vomited in the street. Three times.
I just want to slap everyone in the face that's happy being sober. Loser.
I feel like people expect me to always be a sarcastic, shade throwing drunk. And you know me, I hate to disappoint.
If you wanna do actual business call my office. If you’re just looking to get laid you need to up your game
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