I swear to god Optimus Prime and Megatron are fighting in my head right now.
stop changing my ringtone to people fucking, it looks bad at work
Never underestimate the healing power of vomiting and a bath.
Need your help. He's locked himself in the bathroom with his bong and his childhood collection of Goosebumps books.
Yeah we can't find him. He left a note saying he left and isn't that drunk with what appears to be an attempt at the quadratic formula for proof. He also wrote down his number and left his phone by the note
So topless strobe light beer pong turned into me rugby tackling a bitch to the ground.my tits will never forgive me for sacrificing their majesticness for responsibility
My going away gift was all of them dancing around with solo cups on their dick and balls...these are my friends
his face was nice enough, but his choice of footwear screamed columbian drug lord
I feel bad for his balls. Ive never seen so much sperm. He had to be dying
If our sexual relationship was relative to the Harry Potter series, I would have claimed the Wizard's Cup at least ten times.
Really, who hasn't had sex on your bed?
ME.
We should probably start extreme couponing for the morning after pill.
I slept like a rock because of your dick. I'll thank him personally later.
there is such a gross feeling of satisfaction when the married guy i used to hook up with likes my facebook status.
she glued two packs of googly eyes on you while you were blacked out. We talked her out of using her hot glue gun.
ummmm thanks
Randomize
