The brown eye won't let me do that either.
And then you told your sister how horrible of a friend I was because I couldn't get you cheese fries...
When I told her that her boyfriend was making out with another chick, all she said was "which one"
there are ass prints on the hood of my car.
I need to stop treating my body like that of a Vegas hooker on vacation in Ibiza
I let a naked juice spill down my leg for like 30 minutes bc i thought i was hallucinating that my leg was cold.
The best part is every argument that she makes from here on out will be refuted by "Oh hey remember that time you shit yourself wearing someone else's sweatpants at a frat party?"
FYI, announcing your arrival at jail with "Hi,yes, I'm checking in? I believe I've reserved a bed, a 2 night stay this weekend?" is, in fact, frowned upon
Wanna smoke some ancient weed I just found in a box of cake mix?
When cunnilingus is one of the first 25 words you say to someone there's a problem
#reasonsyoushouldnthaveatinder
I think my biggest regret in life is not banging you in the science museum
That's not the problem. The problem is I thought I was over him but he smells nice today.
I walked in to you guys using a milk jug as a gravity bong
Surrounded by smaller versions of the same
so i'm with my friends driving on the highway and just saw a guy in the car next to us sucking on a dildo. can't make this shit up.
I broke my dick don't ask me how I need help putting in a catheter so I can piss.
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