Successful New Year's Eve:: Your first shower of the year is on Jan. 2nd... 'cause you didn't trust yourself to stand up long enough on Jan. 1st. Hello 2010.
long story short: there's a file in the master file cabinet labeled "lube".
He just referred to his foreskin as a snuggie. Help.
If you could smell my eyes you'd understand the whole story
mallory made a planned parenthood decision maker flow chart again.
I tried telling the cop that I don't do drugs, and that if he'd just take me home I could prove it by showing him my D.A.R.E. certificate.
Due to certain anatomical proportions it was less like fucking and more like childbirth.
I'm pretty sure I just discovered what the American Dream is said the person eating a hotdog for breakfast in bed in her underwear
If I pissed all over some chicks bed I would probably apologize for getting so wasted, not putting out, and turning into a god damn R. Kelly Cinderella... Not ask for coffee and a ride home.
I'm still in my ugly sweater and underwear drinking coffee next to a plate of assorted treats we stole from the party. I got a new sweater by the way, its shoulderpad-y and looks like a news anchor got thrown up on by Liberace. I'm pretty proud.
Just bought weed from the ice cream man. The kid in front of me got a tootie fruitie.
Will you bring a case of beer down to the hot tub? Me and Phil don't want to feel feelings anymore
I feel like I got hit by a truck. And I vaguely remember getting into an argument with a passive aggressive Ron Burgundy in a onesie- grown man, not a baby- about the pronunciation of New Orleans
you started shaking the frozen steak while screaming "THIS IS CAPITALISM" before rubbing it all over your chest and passing out on your dog
Spencer just told me I got home and was opening beers with my teeth and trying to make pot butter
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