I think your mom looks like a breed of donkey and elephant, but her boobs are perfect
I have a fruit stripe tattoo on my penis. You're the only person I know who chews that gum.
Her hair smelled like a rat dipped in mustard on fire
It's cute how he thinks we're going to have sex again
Well now that I've given all the athletes mono there goes our chance of winning any conference championship
I feel like I'm sitting in a sleigh of puddy. It's not a bathtub though because you need a sleigh to go down a mountain.
Do you think a former stripper/heroin addict constitutes as a high risk sexual partner?
When I get home we should play "let's see how many Christmas movies we can watch before we start having sex."
Found plan b box covered with blood. In kitchen sick. Pickle jar is empty. Wtf happened?
I'm just gonna stay I'm bed where it is warm and cozy and nobody knows me as the girl that puked on a stripper
No, seriously, I've slept with 3 guys this month.
It's ok, February is a short month
Showed up physical therapy hammered. The therapist just says this isnt part of the program.
I'm pretty sure my roommate is moving out because her cat likes me better
He sends me the same inspirational quote quotos that my grandma does. I no longer want to tap that.
Real life skills section of my resume: blow jobs, food knowledge trivia, sarcasm, mascaera application, sexting, tolerance of rail liquors
Randomize
