Do you have any idea why the dryer isn't working?
Because you touch yourself at night.
When I'm drunk and can't pee, I sing my abc's in my head and try to pee before I get to pee. Last night I forgot to do it in my head
i get tired of guys telling me there married or they have a girlfriend. they act like it concerns or matters to me
Defiantly just threw away our yearly bottle collection in front of the campus tour. The school should pay me for recruitment
sometimes i think what itd be like to be a firework
Just got physical proof that at 6 am i was running around with raw potatoes threatening to mash them on his floor. Hello, Mobile uploads
If I brought two seashells to Lowe's, do you think that they'd drill two holes in each shell for me? I need to be a mermaid on Saturday...
Whiskey shot with bacon bits, our version of Goldschlager WE ARE TRYIN IT.
Wow way to turn my death into an oppurtunity to get laid
Well, that now makes it the 4th girlfriend in a row to cheat on me. I don't even care anymore...I'll date a prostitute and not even worry.
It feels like a bunch of leprechauns are using my brain as a soccer ball
For sure. I'm slow cooking a 6 pound pork shoulder wrapped in bacon. If that doesn't scream "guys I'm going into culinary arts lets get drunk" I'm not sure what does.
My little brother came home while I was sitting there icing my vagina with a bag of peas. Asshole looks at me, high fives Ryan, then leaves.
SCUSE ME I KNOW YOU DIDNT DO THAT MUCH COKE IN 10 MINUTES
when she didn't finish her burrito you wanted to call the cops because you said it was neglect
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