quit re-tweeting John McCain's tweets
two drunk chicks are talking to me about reinacting 2girls1cup
ill bring the camera dont start without me
i just found out that washing ur bong in the dishwasher works. its been a productive day
You told me you were allowed to keep eating butter because it had just passed midnight and you were on the next day's daily fat servings
Theres an amvulance here. It might be for me
It's 6 am and I've spent the last few hours searching for a cork screw or suitable substitute. You had none. Incidentally, I finally opened this bottle of wine, but owe you a new meat sticky thing with those two prongs. Sobriety is not good for me. Or your utensils.
Are we in any of the areas with tornados?
Dude, i don't even have pants on yet, it's too early to think about tornadoes.
I'm sorry I didn't respond. I had a shit day. However, I just masturbated to Adele's Rolling In the Deep while crying. It was oddly therapeutic.
My roommate just caught me cleaning a tostitos queso jar with my hand and eating it. He didn't judge. Bonding moment.
We had sex twice and at Wendy's how dare you diminish that.
Just used my flashlight app to find a gummy lifesaver I dropped on the floor
I like how you're utilizing your resources
He got in a shopping cart outside of home depot and insisted we push him down a flight of stairs. For science.
Are we going to go home and do it or do I have time to eat my nachos bell grande first?
I threw up in my brother's Easter basket
The worst part is there are all kinds of happy creatures out here like fucking snow white and i'm sitting in semi-dead grass, hungover with a burnt butt
Randomize
