I'm at a Mexican Walmart. Wish you were here.
Hey. I found $5 in quarters from one of those state quarter collection books. I'm using it for food tomorrow.
Sorry I didn't wanna double team his sister. Having whiskey dick and watching you get laid didn't sound appealing
He's warming up to shark week, by only eating fish and drinking vodka, and all the time he keeps yelling "death to the seals!"
you have no idea how wierd it is to get nudes while talking to grandma
the scent of your tears make me crave pizza
So another one of your girlfriends from middle school had a baby. Thank god you are gay, otherwise you would definitely be a dad by now.
I dont care how drunk you were. Making a bet with MY husband at MY wedding that you could seal the deal before he could is ALWAYS inappropriate!
just woke up under a car ? That's odd
Holy fucking shit
WAIT BUT IM WEARING A BACKPACK THAT MAGICALLY HAS 30 BEERS IN IT
I'm going to be fiscally responsible and buy a handle.
I have made the descision to sacrifice the first of my family's dogs that wakes me before noon tomorrow. I may quickly become the family outcast
I rather not break my neck. It's hard to look sexy with a neck cast.
Apparently I offered the cop my Taco Bell.
Desperate times...
Anyone would get lost in that field after that much vodka. Trust me... I kind of feel like superman considering I even made it home. Most people would've been face down in a random oilfield. Not this guy.
I woke up in my bed with candy and beer bottles all around me and i dont know where any of it came from. I love valentines day.
Randomize
