6:33 AM: I'm drunk at this time of morning.
I'm at derby!
The kentucky derby! But its night time, theres no way the horses are awake at this time.
Its like everytime i see you, my vagina gets a heartbeat.
He just gave a drunken 7 minute speech on how to make the perfect grilled cheese. he explained types of butter and cheeses....i think i love him
There was a guy on the elevator dressed as santa in flip-flops giving away beer.
On campus. Grown men in women's sexy bee costumes. Complete with legwarmers. This cannot be real life.
And I'm not sure if that's how you pluralize penis. Never planned on needing to know that in my life.
In honor of the internet blackout, I think everyone needs to change their Facebook pictures to ones of them being blacked out.
Feel like I died but someone put me In a human microwave and I got back to life.
Yeah i was handcuffed to the bed all night but i actually slept like a baby
Idk but she keeps giving me s'mores and I'm having a hard time caring about her alcoholism because of it
Of all of my friend's husbands, I like when yours hits on me best
Awe that means so much to us
I had sex with a boy who lives in a closet, that's like having sex with Harry Potter, right?
You like pics of my balls that much?
I am at the store looking at frames as we text...
you asked me how to turn on the ladder
Randomize
