So how was he last night?
Five-minute foot-long.
It's Friday. Sex?
His pick-up line from last night: "I bet you cant climb these stairs right now." Needless to say.. it worked.
The other. Cat spoke to me and left. This shit is laced
The first cat might save me but they are taking out masks
I think there's a website warning girls about me based on the 4 who approached me separately tonight and called me evil. Fuckyoudave.com?
She was purple for Halloween. She literally spray-painted herself purple and called it a costume. It won't come off.
I thought I was smashed last night but the girl trying to pee in the fridge had me beat. True story.
Had a turkey baster with clean pee in it in my pants to pass a drug test, and the bottom fell off, so yeah I'm pretty pissed.
By the way I got my period today. No NHL babies for me.
The next time we go out, we're bringing a jar so that people can contribute to the rest of what I need to come up with for my breast implants... We'll show them yours for inspiration and persuasion.
Part of my tooth flew in my eye when the dentist was drilling my cavity then I was sent to the ER. Fucking never going back
He said he wanted to lick the breadcrumbs off my chest
I wonder how many people saw me whip my junk out and bang it on the light post in front of holabird bar and liquors last night. I'm about tired of having to do that.
Nobody saw you except the people in the bar, because you weren't outside. You were inside, and you were smacking it on the mens bathroom door handle
I really hate whoever invented fireball.
Accidentally mixed my gin with cold brew coffee instead of cranberry juice. It’s bad. But I’ll finish it. Never leave a fallen soldier.
Did we go to Florida? My missing thong and DL just arrived in the mail. Return address was Tampa.
Randomize
