I proposed and she said yes man.
You realize the irony of surrendering on independence day, right?
If I had a nickel for every time somebody called me a bad person I would have enough money to check into rehab
If one more person calls me a lesbian I am going to have to give you head in public.
I hope the prosecutor is a dude cause my lawyer is hot.
Just bought myself a coach diaper bag. I thought it would be perfect for school. the baby bottle holders are where i'm gonna put my booze
They ran out of vodka so we started doing Body Doritos.
He kept coming back from the bar with hotter girls and just left with two...I feel like I just witnessed something amaZing. Like meeting Jesus and finding out he has no morals either
Well at least it wasn't the first time I threw up out of a second story window
ATTN: We are officially 15 weeks from our annual "Get-Mega-Stoned-and-BBQ" event. Start saving up the proper supplies. That is all.
I actually took a sword out of your hands. You were samurai slashing lemons to make chasers.
I'd cum for enchiladas.
Its mothers day, andI woke up with 12 bar stamps on my face, holding orange juice and a box of tampons. This can not be happening
I'm using my dog as a pillow. He's cool with it.
don't judge but I think I'm gonna go fuck a dad this weekend
he's single and there are thong briefs.
Randomize
