how do we leave politely?
Tell them I'm going into labor. I will spill a beer and tell them m water broke.
and that's how I found out my dad doesn't believe in towels... holiday magic.
standing in the yard with no pants on waiting for google maps to come and take a picture.
I told you it's awful. It looks like he was eating honey at a barbershop and tripped.
I can't wait to be a mother. My daughters gonna outdrink every boy in her grade
Precisely. She's an awesome drinking companion; yet, not so awesome mother-in-law material.
I think the camel was justified in biting me.
Brian got his first ever blow job last night. We should make him a scrapbook.
I'm going to start referring to my liver is Livy. I feel like if I give it an affectionate nickname it will hate me less. Livy isn't ready for syllabus week.
I think we all know your liver needs a man's name.
I just won 200$ from Bar Karaoke, for singing the "Sailor Moon" theme song, and then the Pokemon theme song, also known as the motherfucking ANTHEM OF POKEMON MASTERS LIKE ME. I HAD TO REPRESENT.
JUST DENIED A NEW YEARS KISS BECAUSE HE WAS A COWBOYS FAN.
Help. I am eating nachos. But I'm with some guy. I need help. I don't know where I am. The nachos were so good. I'll bring them but help me.
I really don’t want to have kids.
I thought we agreed we were done with dirty talk for the day
You're so sweet in the most vulgar ways
Nothing like having a family watch you dry heave at the end of the dock
Randomize
