I feel like our house is getting pulled over.
When I'm drunk i like to pretend my penis is zeus and instead of peeing i'm throwing lightning bolts into the toilet...it helps me focus.
i totally fed the cab driver fruit salad with my hands while he was driving
i shall enjoy my approximately 2 hours of being sober today
Fine then. I'll just do all this coke on my own this weekend and die. It'll be strictly your fault.
Exactly, finding that perfect flask to come with you on all your adventures is like finding the perfect wedding dress. You have to feel it.
If it looks really sketchy and smells like burnt pizza and pot you're in the right place
You are not allowed to borrow my car ever again. It smells like a hobo orgy happened in my backseat with a hint of onion. What did you do.
It sounds like heaven mixed with world peace and orgasms. The acoustics in this car are awesome. Or it's the weed idk either way it's great
...im seriously confused as to why this doesn't make sense to you. Girl hostage, rob casino. Makes perfect sense.
A man bought two 40's from me, then asked if I had duct tape. How do people over 50 know about Edward 40hands? It was very weird.
See, remember when you wanted to get an Ashley Madison account and I told you not to and you hated me? You. Are. Welcome.
If there's anything else you're planning on stealing from me, please let me know so I can set it on fire
I woke up with a jacket; in it passport, hockey tickets, sunglasses, credit card, bank transactions
Oh god I found a set of car keys in my pocket, and I have no idea who's they are
Randomize
