He was sitting at the table eating ice and said, "I'm pretty sure everyone in my family has nipples."
Lost another pound. Switching from beer to hard liquor did this body good.
I've been smelling a baby wipe for three minutes. I didn't think I was that drunk but I guess I am
i'm scootering my little heart out so i'm not late for a weed pickup. this is the meaning of adolescence
Crazy fun. I think I got a concussion from a stripper
It's because of weed that I don't mind driving an hour to visit my family. And it's because of you that there's weed in my life. Thank you.
Woke up to your boyfriend in my bed last night. What's that about?
That shit was hard as fuck. It felt like a mountain entering my vagina.
First of all she starred talking about God which immediately killed my buzz
I'm eating animal crackers on my bed next to my vibrator writing about the hopelessness and depravity of humanity. I am LIVING.
You looked at the bouncer while you pissed on the front door of the bar and said...who the fuck are you?
Was picked up in the middle of a bar full of people...apparently I'm not tall enough to reach for drunken makeouts. I'm proud of myself.
He casually compared computer science to childbirth and I was like "hey, as someone who has wanted to fuck you for six months now, could you please never talk about childbirth ever again"
Help. Why am I so naked?
dude im trying to eat his ass so can you stop for 10 minutes
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