I wish everyone could be as happy as the people in the laxative commercials.
I cant wait for your democrat phase to be over.
I knew the cheap date at Taco Bell would backfire because it makes even the most pre-cautious girls involuntary fart in public
Went from beach to class to bar all while wearing my swimsuit as pants. Clearly I'm dressed for success.
so gross sitting on a warm chair at a restaurant..you just know a fat person was sitting there shoveling food into their face for hours.
We got to the second bar and all he kept saying was "I'm on an alcohol safari!" Best 21st birthday ever.
I was so stoned last night I got into an argument with your voicemail message.
Martha Stewart has had a one night stand and is unsure if she's had a threesome. I no longer feel slutty.
Starting this Monday as I always do
With a desperate plea for help
Really need a jack off emoji
Who do we write to about that?
Alcohol and I aren't friends right now.
She is crazy bro, she'll kiss me after eating her ass but looses her fucking mind if I double dip a french fry in "our" ketchup!
Mom just walked in on a bj. IT'S WHATEVER.
Guy just rode past on a lowrider bike smoking a blunt, I want his life
Ugh. All the good hoes are in their third trimester.
Randomize
