3:38a: you guys up to anything right now?
im letting my talent of no gag reflex go to waste
Wearing a Sarah Lawrence sweatshirt is like wearing a shirt that says, "I'm getting a degree in substitute teaching."
I mean come on, he's the best quarterback in the state and doesn't even know how to put on condom
would he be offended if i told him that "national coming out day" is october 11. thats subtle enough right?
You gave the cab driver your pants as collateral while you ran in the house for money.
Well I'm just gonna sit here naked in this chair and whatever happens happens
Ever find yourself wondering if your life is God's way of telling a joke?
I was riding her and she yelled "fuck me" then someone in the room next door yelled "you don't have to say it if youre doing it."
sorry to break it to you, but he's definitely fucking that other girl now...
I wish I still at least had the bruises on my ass to remember him by.
I can't straight up say the only reason I smoked a couple bowls with you was for your three legged cat
Got high with dad and hunted squirrels in the basement. Is this seriously what my life has come to?
At the end of the date, he asked if he could kiss me. I really wanted to say "dude, I didn't shave for nothing"
She's still mad at me for saying she looked pregnant and not getting her chicken nuggets.
So turns out my new assistant isn't really my assistant. The owner needed a title for his FWB so his wife wouldn't catch on. I got a three hundred a month credit limit boost on my corporate credit card instead.
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