With the way things had been going, I was never more excited for a person to cum
I am watching the CFL at a Hooters in Texarakana. I made a poor life choice at some point that led me here.
Tried to eat a chip. Mouth wouldn't cooperate. Nearly died. Wow I've missed this.
He gets creativity points for the hot sauce. But it may be awhile until my nipples forgive him
I am VERY upset that you called my fiesta a waste of time.
Getting up is taking longer than anticipated. Alcoholic fish bowls have made getting out of bed a multitstep process.
Who knew drunk me could climb a 17 story building for apple juice and sex
You came home And decided to make beer battered bacon... That's why there was smoke
Just opened up the freezer to find chocolate penis popsicles. Too hungover for this shit
Please tell me I was just dreaming when I asked if I could borrow your jesus dildo
I barfed on the cat last night. Just wanted to share.
I guess "hi, I know your mom, she taught me in high school" is an effective pickup line
Hey I'm at the gym and I need your personal trainer help. Also can you send me that picture of me eating a sausage. I want to post it on instgram.
Sarah just give sum homeless dude a lap dance, took like 2$ worth of change from his cup and was all like, "Biiitch, this aint free"..
no dude he sent me cemetery flowers, i know it. they are half dried out roses in the shape of a cross, seriously. and he is not religious. so he robbed a freaking grave site for me. am i like an accessory to grave robbing now??
damnit this is what you get for dating guys with neck tattoos
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