ya dads aren't the best wingmen
You might not want to sit on your couch. Actually you may want to throw it away. My bad.
i was like hansel and gretel. i puked a trail from mcdonalds to our place so i could find my way back in the morning
Rachel and his cat watched us 69 last night. I pretended to be embarrassed the next day... But to be honest I like an audience
He tricked me into going on a double date with him, I don't like that he's not using me for just sex anymore
You better wipe the dick of your lips before you come smoke this blunt.
Why would I send you a picture of it when I could just steal the gnome and put it in your bed with you? Admit it, he looks just like gnomeo!
I spent most of the night trying to drink out of three bottles of beer at once. I don't have to be told the reasons I'm single
Do you think if 10 year old us knew that we would be passing out in a McDonalds after a hefty night of drinking, and 23 McChickens, they'd change anything?
I would steal a car if I knew it had wheat thins in it
is it necessary to steal the whole car?
Would you still love me and fuck me doggie style if I had a dinosaur tramp stamp?
"I licked someones beard, because I can."
I wish there was an emoji for sad lady boners
When's the best time to point out that all of my orgasms this year have been self-administered? Valentine's day?
We played 2 very competitive games of Jenga and then fucked our brains out... BEST. RELATIONSHIP. EVER.
Randomize
