i woke up under my mattress pad with him laying naked next to me and his wwjd bracelet on my nightstand.
nice, that's exactly what jesus would do.
Still drunk and leading the team through the 9am sales meeting. I'm pretty sure this is why there aren't more 26year-olds in management.
I tried ok? my penis just doesnt like her as much as my mother does
Please come to History lecture. The kid two seats over is belligerently drunk.
you know that dress I got margarita and puke on? yeah, just returned it.
I swear this girl is like a Cross between Danny Devito and Anne Heche....the Lesbian Years.
He's 11. You dont draw dicks on 11 year olds, i dont care if he ate your lasagna
MAYDAY. glass in foot, have crush on guy with mullet.life is over.
We all have to be good at something. Mine are writing, drinking, fucking and peer pressure.
I was puking in the bathroom when my fake tooth fell off of my retainer so I just walked out of the bar and didn't say goodbye to my date
I emailed the police apartment to apologize to the officer from last night. I practically threw a hissy fit because he wouldn't hug me.
It was "against protocol"
Hey I was just wondering if you could go look for my teeth?
I cant see straight, her clothes are all over my floor and I'm covered in bite marks... No I will not go to brunch with you
i texted "amiibo vore" to my insurance agent instead of someone else. do you think they'll raise my rates out of disgust?
I refuse to take any type of advice let alone love advice from a motherfucker who is missing 3 fingers from a Fucked up masturbating accident.
Randomize
