At least you're going to bed with all the teeth you woke up with
Imagine if sharks could walk on land...scary.
Google Chrome's "top 8 most visited sites" page has become my motivation to stop masturbating
You told my mother that her salad dressing tasted like semen.
Now he's talking about how he's writing in a journal because he doesn't remember "his thought patterns when he was in elementary and that's distressing". I'm walking home. Fuck this.
i've never heard her scream louder than when the koreans scored. what am i lacking in bed?
How does one fall all the way up a flight of stairs? Its hard on me knowing that the survival of our species depends on me not reproducing.
I don't care how high you are, you can't finger me while eating potato chips.
I will not fill you in on the details until we get back, so do not ask. I got peed on by the girl I was hooking up with last night.
The cougar has a calendar on her wall of when she can give topless handjobs again. I pity her husband.
When the hubs wants to wear his training mask during sex and pretend to be Bane you just go with it.
THAT'S NOT NICE
NEITHER WAS PROMISING NOT TO TAKE MY SISTER'S VIRGINITY, THEN PROMPTLY DOING SO
I found a 9 minute video on my phone of you singing into an eggplant.
Pretty sure I just scored Election Day sex based on the theory that if either of these fools win the world as we know it is over so we might as well get a few orgasms in...
I hope Trump leaves Planned Parenthood alone for at least another month. The week got away from me. #whorelando
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