I told the girl in his bed not to bleed on his sheets like the last one.
bringing a ziploc bag full of Jim Beam to the movies may not have been the best idea.
I just remember thinking, if she falls asleep, I'm totally eating that spilled chex mix right off of her.
the only good thing about breaking up with him while naked was that i got to make a forgetting sarah marshall reference
Just made macaroni burritos. Fukkin awesome. We'll have to try this when I'm sober.,!
I'll be there soon. I expect Advil and a bucket of kittens when I arrive.
I truly just stopped puking in my 730 am calculus class, looked up, corrected my professor, then resumed puking my eyes out. He was both impressed and disgusted.
A guy with a mustache poured a beer down your throat while you had a crippled boy named Sunshine riding your back
saw a dude wearin soccer cleats at the bar tonight. fuckin kiddin me man?
I don't have time to shower before my passport photos...your cum is all over my hair...that's with me for 10 years now
Executive order 941: BRING ME THE FINEST PANCAKES!
You have got to stop watching the West Wing before going out.
Nothing $200 worth of strippers and spicy fried chicken couldn't fix.
I need to wear something that says I would have sex with you but I'm not going to
One time she showed me her pierced nipples in our high school locker room and now she has a daughter
Until you've snorted cocaine at 6am before your nursing school clinicals birthing babies you're not on my level
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