And now I'm afraid that I'm a pornographic eater.
Have you ever seen a porn where they were playing bluegrass in the background?
I gave you a 45 minute blowjob. You were inside me for 3 minutes. I'm going to need you to get your shit together.
Tried to bribe the bartender with wedding cake. Felt bad for not giving her a tip.
I don't care who it's from we're getting blown. It's a 3 day weekend anything can happen
I think it was the free bomb shots from the creepy bolivians that sent us over the edge
She frightens me and turns me on at the same time. She's a keeper
Restraining order pending?
He told me I was his first American. I feel like I should've brought a flag to plant on him.
A few days ago I apparently came up, asked her to make me soup, and handed her a can of coconut milk.
Nope. I've found you care about two things in life: your momma and spreading your seed.
Yeah then you killed that bottle of Bacardi in under 20 minutes. So much for being an organ donor.
This is me trying to take a picture to send to grandma. At 4. We were trying to look sober.
So I was walking to the bathroom and some random dude threw up while walking towards me. He kept eye contact the entire time and didn't stop moving.
I shaved my asshole for this. That's real dedication.
I'm drunk and kinda wanna go home but now I have to go have more sex, my boxers are in the dryer
Randomize
