How do u get a lost condom out? Like really lost... up there...
I just had a dude tell me how he got fired from friendly's for tripping a kid and followed the story with "If i'm gonna do it, I do it big."
every time i get drunk at her place i end up leaving with nothing but an empty box of toaster strudels..
i cleaned the weed out of my bowl, pretended it was a spoon and ate oatmeal with it. my mom cried
Sorry I tried to blow your roommate in your room. I felt more at home there.
At least I know she didn't hear me crawl to my room. Or did I walk on my hands? Fuck if I know.
We mailed him an 18 inch double headed dildo for his birthday. The Fedex guys certainly got a laugh out of it.
Tonight I celebrated marriage equality by letting a girl I don't know kiss me at the club.
Woke up this morning with Nerf Bullets stuck to everything in my house and nut in my belly button. What exactly happened last night?
You casually put your finger in my ass and other people are weird..
He literally just laid flat on top of me motionless at one point. It felt less like foreplay and more like he was trying to use me as a flotation device. 0/10
Why would you trust me with ANYTHING!!!???
I walk into the pharmacy and I'm like "I need three morning after pills" and the guy was like "uhhhh". All I said was "we didn't plan it, we all just got laid the same night"
If not, I can murder my liver twice...it's like a cat, it has 9 lives
Let's be real, he was never going to be tall enough
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