you stole their roomba and ran out the door so that you could 'set it free'.
we found you passed out on lawn and the roomba bouncing back and forth on the sidewalk.
is there a reason why there is cup of piss in the fridge?
no
Woke up with puke in my bed and my pockets full of Tootsie Rolls.
Jealous.
I tapped out to boredom. She bought me a full meal at Subway. Two tap beers and a pretty weak long island iced tea. I'm five dollars cheaper to fuck than she is.
dude you said you were going to be a human flag and climbed the telephone pole and fell in front of a car
I really want to throw this drink in your face but it was 6 dollars that shits expensive
I'm convinced that the Christmas lights in my room contributed to the great sex.
I think weed is turning my hair brown
Had a slight melanoma scare this morning. Spoiler alert, it was Nutella.
He said it only counts if it ends up on the internet
If y'all wanna know how far the apple fell from the tree I'm sexting during Easter service. Mom would be so proud 😳
'allo, good sire. how dost thy day goeth?
oh no. you're at that weird Renaissance Festival thing again, aren't you?
I am an inebriated elf. you may fucketh off.
Someone just said “I need to use up this money before I’m tits up under the dirt” so I think I’m going to start using that in my daily vocabulary.
long story short... we may or may not have lost your car.
I'm like a bad decision making factory. I need to sit down and have a chat with my decision making elves.
Randomize
