Tampa is so boring. I'm dying. I want lots of cleavage at my funeral. If i cant get laid, i want my friends to. I'm that kind of person
I should go buy the economy size box of condoms and sprinkle a path like rose petals to my bed... Think he'd get the hint?
EVERYONE CAN HEAR YOU FUCKING YOU ARE IN A TENT
Duuuude. Everything is so brilliant right now. This frosting is freaking orgasmic.
It's vanilla, man. Accept no substitutes. There are so many t's in that word.
Her mom walked into the garage as we were smoking a kush blunt with sombreros on.
In lieu of flowers, please donate to The Hungover Children's Fund in my name.
Thank god crabs can't live on your head. Thank god.
I'd like to request an "its my birthday discount", and for you to bartend shirtless tonight ;)
Watch out, there's a giant vagina in the quad running around screaming at people.
I am going to go Miley Cyrus crazy if I don't get sex soon
Headline in the alligator: young zeta goes berserk after lack of sex and is found naked swinging from wrecking ball on university ave, refuses to get down until sex partner is found
I mean, he'll either figure it the fuck out or set my apartment on fire. Either way, it will be entertaining.
YOURE A FUCKING ADULT. DONT TELL ME ITS PAST YOUR BEDTIME WHEN I WANT TO GET ANOTHER COCKTAIL.
I'm tryna think of an appropriate time to say "when I suck other dicks they seem like training dicks compared to yours" but I really can't think of a good way to say that
My mom found your leather pants in our guest room. She doesn't want to know why they are there, she just wants to know if you want them washed.
Wrong Cuomo but I had a dream last night in which I was very sexually attracted to Chris
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