yesterday i saw a blind man guiding himself into a NYC tour bus... and i thought i waste money
I met the friendliest cop last night
It was kind of weird
What did your mom walk in?
She flung her tampon across the room.
I need to write the inventor of adderall a thank you note stapled to a copy of my degree
You were throwing ham at people telling them you were the sandwhich fairy
If you don't come out tonight, who's going to wake us up in the morning because they're fucking in the middle of the room where everyones sleeping?
I might've decided it was a good idea to try to steal all of the pool balls at the pub... I apologize in advance that we now need to become regulars somewhere (anywhere) else.
Just did a drug deal on the toy aisle at walmart, Merry Christmas
First memory of my senior year: Going into registration still drunk from last night.
Teenager with grandparents staying in their room: is to blue balls, as parent waiting for teen to come home safe: is to sleep. You will live- love mom
From the same High Brittany who brought you such thoughts as, "Fuck, am I wearing shoes?" Comes High Brittany on a date! Stay tuned. This will be interesting.
I watch one musical on Netflix, and the "Suggested for you" section is literally almost the entire gay movie category. I feel profiled, and netflixs' accuracy about my sexuality is both impressive and offensive.
My apologies. I'll try not to let my dick interfere with official work duties in the future.
i feel like you should know pants are always optional
We could have fun in a cardboard box. Think of the damage we could do at an amusement park!
Randomize
