You wanna call me after your homoerotic shower?
Dude, I was completely sober last night, didn't puke on my shoes, went home with an incredibly beautiful girl, wore a condom, and didn't wake up in a puddle of urine this morning.
hah, sarcasm, classic
Oh god. It's my first day here, I'm still drunk and somebody just drifted in a forklift. I'm going to die.
It's my fault there's ramen coiled around his penis.
just spent the last 4 hours covering his room in sticky notes. Viva Drunk Thursdays.
You called him your tasty little crouton. Which actually wasn't the weirdest part.
When did our fuck buddy relationship, turn into me babysitting his dog?
After the 3rd shot, she was running around singing, "Twinkle Twinkle Big Ol' Dick, on your happy place I'll sit" to your brother.
Put that bitch's torch out. She's been voted off.
Got stoned and went to Walmart. For some reason a preacher walked up and asked if I knew the lord so I just yelled "I CAN FEEL HIM IN MY VIENS" at the top of my lungs. he left after that.
Dude. Where are you? I'm making waffles in the waffle iron. It's beautiful.
A duck just looked me in the eye whilst I peed in a lake. I feel so dirty.
Woke up in a bathtub with both of my legs broken. How was your night?
I just asked him what would happen if my boobs fought crime. I think I'm cut off.
The fact that I bookended my summer with pregnancy scares doesn't upset me. The fact that he's a trombone major does...
my penis made a compromise with my morals
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