Soooo billy mays was on coke. I'm about as shocked as I was when Clay Aiken came out
Just paid my credit card bill at the bar. This phone makes it so I never have to leave
I am so 35 right now. Listening to REM, drinking red wine, and crying over an article about ecstasy in oprah magazine.
I just can't have sex with a guy who has nicer eyebrows than me
I'd say it's a shame and a disservice to the world that we can't stay drunken shitshows to infinity
Before you even think your day was worse than mine, I had to disinfect and and stitch another dude's penis after his prince Albert got ripped out by an angry chick.
I also found a beer label in my bra and I'm pretty sure you put it there and said "this means I trust you"
Getting my nails done with Diana... I'm going for the keep your friends close and the girl who's dating the guy you want to fuck closer
buying a tattoo gun on ebay just sounded like a good idea at the time idk man
Just so you know, I woke up with 2 oven mits in my bed and no clothes on.
All she has to do is text me and my dick gets hard. It doesn't matter what it's about. Last text was about a homeless dude
I can't handle more than one dick at once. I become crazy. It's hard to be mellow and free spirited and polygamous at the same time.
I was covered in mud from my knees down, I smelt like the inside of a port-a-potty and only had mascara on one eye. . . so you know your usual Sunday brunch.
Hangover and judgement, the breakfast of champions.
Like sorry your dick won’t suck itself?
Randomize
