I woke up this morning with my shirt on upside down.
You mean inside out.
No, upside down. I ripped the neck hole in the process of getting it around my waist.
I was totally willing to let her keep giving me blowjobs as long as she didn't think we were in a relationship.
im at that stage where all she has to do is cough or something and it pisses me off
These fall allergies are really hindering my cocaine habit.
Tried to bribe the bartender with wedding cake. Felt bad for not giving her a tip.
He just told me that he goes squirrel hunting. NO LONGER BANGABLE.
Let's play a little game of "Last Night Never Happened"
he ate me out on his front porch at dawn. i orgasmed when the sun began to rise. most romantic morning booty call ever.
there is literally a full grown man stuck between the radiator and her bed. i thought i kicked him out 20 minutes ago but nope we found him
I had to assert my dominance as Alpha Drunk.
Everyone was in jail by 10:30. I'd say it was a successful bachelor party.
My brother just text me asking if I was ready for the blowjob of my life.
Nothing says "back to school" like walking in the first day with a hangover
I wrote a list of things I enjoy doing. So far it says "get high and go to museums."
She flirted with a pilot and a frat boy at the airport in Vegas and told our bartender his mask matched her panties so yeah I’d say she’s rebounding from the divorce
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