Just saw a Mexican guy pushing a stroller with 3 twelve packs of corona in it with a toddler struggling to keep up on foot behind him
I am so high I am beginning to unironically like Vanessa Carlton.
hooked up with a girl who spoke elfish last night..what up 8th grade lord of the rings fantasies
you finished all 5 burgers, started crying tears of joy, and then claimed the tears were actually just 'meat sweats' from your eyes
He wants to call Lloyd's of London and have my mouth insured.
I think my sister is getting tired of me breaking into her house so I can sleep with random girls when shes not there
LOVE ME LIKE A KANGARO LOVES A POUCH YOU DUMB CUNT
I'm about to initiate a game of drunk UNO.
Drunk UNO has officially been banned from now until forever.
also I woke up naked and covered in water but nobody can explain that part.
This is worse then when all the pharmacists sang me happy birthday while I was buying plan b
he said "be careful" then handed me a cheezit...
She tried to subtly measure me, but I noticed. She told me I barely made the cut otherwise there would have been just a handshake as a parting gift.
Watching the awkward tinder date at the table next to mine is the most action I've had in months, so there's that.
Just to clarify, i'm coming over for tacos not a threesome
There are some people who should not be trusted with a cell phone while drunk. You know your one of them when you call the cops on your own party.
Randomize
