ps i may or may not be wearing a sequined bra
3 inches of snow, below zero windchill and i just saw a dude in a wrangler with no doors, shorts a beanie and burton snow goggles. God i love college in colorado
Considering he believes im part of the 2016 us curling team id say hes pretty drunk
all 3 of us brought blondes home last night. all 3 are passed out. we're gonna switch rooms and see how long until one of them notices.
I JUST MACED MY OWN FACE
This is by far the best text I have ever woken up to.
You know i'm the father figure
Yeah the father who ate her out with me last night. Great dad
I just wanna be like "dude your gf's on a porn site" but i just dont know if i have the heart.
He was super stoned and then he compared doing meth to having anal sex and told me to "ride that cowboy." The cowboy being my ex.
Holy sore nipples Batman
I'm pretty sure I lit a prostitute's cigarette while sharing a pizza with a homeless guy last night
Because I'm sitting in a bath of my own wisdom and drowning my sorrows in coconut rum
My mom just walked in on me naked taking a shit and packing a bowl...the only comment she makes is, she wants her Tupperware back after my pot's out of it. Best mom ever.
I just wish the first erections of my life didn't take place at a dentists office but hey whatever I turned out alright
I just saw a guy walking up the stairs with his dick out his pants. I let him know, and he just looked down in shock, laughed, and continued walking up the stairs.
So you just held his hand and he fucking came...?
Randomize
