smell like capt'n and strawberry champagne
I woke up wearing no shirt sleeping next to a half-eaten grilled cheese.
Well did you call the grilled cheese yet? Or r u waiting the usual 3 days?
apparently smacking a customer in the face with his iPhone was not part of the WOW factor we learned in training...
operation have a gay friend backfired
Just saw a drunk guy clapping and cheering for a chipmunk climbing up a tree. Classic
She was covered in mud grabbed my crotch and said see that handprint that means I called dibs
I'm lowering my standards just so I can get laid, but I draw the line when a guy spells cool kewl
Her desktop wallpaper is a collage of penises she fucked.
And now I have fucked a local celebrity so double free drinks at bars.
How bad would it be to ask my maintenance man for new blinds because the dude puked on those too?
I know you are gonna wanna ask a lot of questions but when we are home I need to cover your face with deli meat and photograph it
Some girl dressed in nothing but Wonder Woman underwear and a cape on her ass just started twerking all over us. Remind me why I'd never been to a midnight of Rocky horror before?
His family, without saying anything, started a game of quarters the moment the drinks arrived. I love them. If only I didn't hate him so much.
I wanna riverboat gamble on your vaginal waters. Just sayin
We should write a country song: “Blacked Out on a Sunday”
Randomize
