The guy in front of me in line at Starbucks looks kinda like Danica Patrick except he has a huge boner.
Free beer happened. I got hammered and aaron did his first keg stand. Then went all martha stewart on redecorating the bathroom. I remember being at walmart
What theme did he decide on for the bathroom?
Well as you know martha loves the northeast this time of year. I believe the theme was 'coney island' decorrated with hot dogs and macaroni
im pretty sure all they do is fuck. and talk in baby talk. its two babys fucking basically.
You should probably wake up already as I have yet another story for you. Teaser? Blood from knife wound. Tequila. Guitar hero. Kitchen counter. Lawyer.
one of the service guys here said i licked ranch off your face lastnight
There is a bottle of ciroc waiting graciously on my breakfast table. It's almost a sign for me to live up to my Russian blood.
Fair warning, if I start singing "Kiss Me, I'm Shitfaced" at any point tomorrow, just go with it
It was like the devil him self busted his red hot satanic nuts all over my face and burned my eyes out of my innocent sockets.
The drunk people on this bus are singing Journey songs. This is the whitest thing I've ever experienced
Not to mention I think lunch is a little inappropriate when our relationship is only based on Mario kart and alcohol so far...
I hope to God it's not the new neighbors having sex, because what I'm hearing sounds like a mildly defective vuvuzela or a cow giving birth.
i just thought a plastic bag was my cat. i just pet a plastic bag. that high.
Pretty sure the guy at the Halloween party dressed as an ice cream man is working his way through the building without a care for gender or age. He high-fives me on his way out each morning.
It's like I'm getting a welcome home parade with sex!
we didn't even throw knives this time! it was just the carrot peeler
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