Ramen noodles and uncensored jerry springer episodes, what a nice life i have.
How could you not be happy? Its like "and then I found 5 dollars" but "and then I found a handle of vodka"
You broke a cabinet. You were climbing up it and it collapsed on you. Lines were crossed.
i saw the poster for your lost tequila... what a shame
When hitting a Woodchuck bottle with a machete, glass will fly back and cut your face.
I hope you did not try this.
His tongue was like Jesus himself was blessing my boobs for eternal ecstasy.
I'm not so sure Jesus approves of such activities, but ok.
Tried to ride the mechanical bull pants less, got punched for making out with some lesbians wife, and you tipped the bartender with a can of skoal.
I regret nothing
I could not actually bring myself to utter the phrase "donkey cock" in front of my father. Not possible.
I wanted to make fun of someone saying that to an untrained ear, skrillex is blah blah blah. But it was too soon after they said it. And now I can't find it. These are real problems.
That's the ultimate walk-of-shame: running away from your own apartment and hiding in a McDonald's.
God dammit. My lube leaked all over my passport
It's so weird fucking this kids aunt then going to the gym with him everyday, but my sick minded self loves it.
We really gotta wear capes to the bar more often...
i think i left you like a 5 minute message about the mcchicken burger i was eating. I think I called wanting sex but the mcchicken burger was a lot more seducing.
Just sold my panties for 40 bucks to some rando dude at the gay bar. I think I found a way to fund next years spring break trip. Hello cancun!
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