I woke up this morning and I couldn't find my coffeetable. wtf?
So I just walked into the bathroom, and there was this kid, talking to his mom, while taking a shit. I flushed the toilet next to him and heard him say into the phone, "No, I'm not. I'm in my dorm."
Went to my car this morning. Found a waffle from Waffle House in the front seat. No idea how it got there. So hung over I ate it.
her and i fucked to a michael jackson song and she had it memorized so she squealed every time he did
My adult sexuality and some of the best memories of my childhood collided like a Pee Wee Herman wet dream.
Elaborate
Strip Mario-Kart
My life is a joke. Told everyone last night that they could call me Mrs. McCormick because I'm gonna end up alone with a handle of peach vodka anyways.
she just announce I'm david copper field and tried to shove a napkin down my throat
He keeps texting me videos of fish swimming in his fish tank, so I think it's safe to say he's back on weed.
WHY IS HE GONE WHEN I ACTUALLY HAVE THE AMOUT OF ESTROGEN TO HUMP A SQUIRREL?!?!
In order to see him, he made me facetime with his penis, which he had drawn a smile face on. Getting laid shouldn't be this difficult.
Tell her this is the Disneyland of penises.It's a magical place everyone should visit once in their life.
Nothing says male bonding like watching porn with your grandpa
I'm not sure why, but my salad smells like a Big Mac. Or maybe that's just the smell of yesterday's, seeping through my skin.
i feel like every weekend turns into a giant blur of i dont want to know...
You literally snort drugs up your nose and you’re questioning the brand of the multivitamin right now?
Randomize
