genius idea. im gonna paint my penis green like the serpent of sex
Its not small because its small, Its small because it was cold outside
i woke up on my kitchen floor, halfway through a text, and my mascara running... this is why i stopped drinking tequila
In a meeting with the accounting department. This shit is even more boring in real life and there isn't a professor to wake me up.
I'm covered in salsa and facewash. I think I'm doing something wrong over here.
Im about to have a threesome, Ill pay you twenty bucks to go clean my room. Just throw it all in the closet.
Omg calling you in 10 to update you on who I peed on last night
I've slowly been stuffing french fries down his pants. I'm at 31 and he hasn't even noticed.
There appears to be a lake on my nightstand. As usual, I should not be considered a suspect. Together, we will find out who did this.
You never know, some chick could have a weird unibrow fetish.
IT WAS SO BIG. I FORGOT GOD MADE THEM LIKE THIS.
How did you not realize the handbrakes were stuck?
I thought I was just out of shape.
Bianca brought a stripper home he's making me breakfast
Nothing says hangover like being in the doctors office getting a tampon removed from deep inside
I woke up handcuffed to a bed wearing nothing but an army belt. Does this count as thanking our country?
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