We played Rock, Paper, Scissors last night to see who was the least drunk to drive.
The Rock won.
So does your leg always twitch violently when someone plays with your clitoris? Or has my ten years of piano playing finally paid off?
Then we managed to set a grill and all 24lbs of meat on it on fire. I didn't help because I was filled with alcohol and extra flammable.
She was crying, alone at a college bar. It would have been rude NOT to try and show my penis to her.
at the hospital. he locked himself in the kitchen, said he was making beer batter shrimp. don't know if it's the mercury poisoning, alcohol poisoning or second degree burns they're holding him for, but i've got a pretty guess.
his blanket is still in the back seat of my car, its like a constant reminder of his small penis
I think I'm gonna wear a bikini to our final tomorrow...just so he knows that no fucks will be given on his test
he knocked a glass of water onto my bed and then said that he should get to sleep on the dry side because he was "a guest"
You Just stopped dancing, looked at me and said "I'm gonna make it rain" Then shook the open box of crunch berries everywhere.
I'm pretty sure I said "this might be the last time I'm in here" but then I took his pants off so that's a mixed message
Just got a message from a drag queen on okcupid. I cant even catfish successfully.
He offered to take me to my appointment after breakfast then kind of just sat there and watched me get a papsmier. Most awkward first date ever.
I'm so sad at the lack of dick in my life I am going to get sauced and make rice krispy treats
I think I got into an argument with my cat's former owner about what a BDSM relationship entails.
Dude I just woke up with a dog sleeping on me.
I thought you didnt have a dog??
Exactly.
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