I think I gave almost everyone at that party the clap last night
New realization: eye makeup remover takes sharpie off boobs
Last night, my friend changed all my contacts in my phone. I have been texted by Batman, Donatello, and Hermione Granger. I have no idea who they are, and it doesn't upset me at all.
There's half of a squirrel in the bathtub - i figured you'd be the one to go to.
There's 12 honey baked hams in my fridge. I vaguely recalled you organizing a "Midnight Ham Run."
I like how the only thing you spelled correctly is "i'm tequila"
you were sat in the corner crying until someone gave you a baguette, which you then tried to feed to the duck doorstop.
I regret nothing
Just so you know, you're MY booty call. Feel degraded.
I was trying to climb into what I thought was a bunk bed.. Turns out it was just a cabinet under the sink in a bathroom
Well, if it gives you any indication, when I got there, there was already some dude passed out naked in the treehouse.
Last night's dream consisted of you, me, a sauce pan full of cocaine and light sabers. I almost cried when I woke up.
I need to mount that unicorn and turn him into a full blown steed.
I don't know what the bubonic plague feels like- but I'm gonna guess its something like this.
Uhmmmm is there really any way to tactfully ask "you into me jerking you off with my feet... or nah" cause if you find one let me know 😂
You know more about his cock specs than his childhood. Proud of you
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