hammered. By myself. Accident. Faillll. Snowwwwwy
they're making a venn diagram comparing gummi bears against gummi worms...is this what i have to sit thru to get free weed????
Fun fact: female penguins have sex in exchange for pebbles to build nests. I now know what im being for halloween
This is even worse then that time I fucked a guy just because he had air conditioning.
Just stabbed myself in the face trying to lick melted cheese off a kitchen knife.
Fuckers are stealing our internet and making my porn stream slowly so I changed the password for VanceRefrigeration to RyansaCunt. No spaces but capitalization.
We spilled a whole bottle of mouth wash and then proceeded to roll around and make out in it. At least I smell minty fresh.
He wanted me naked, so I got naked. You can't hold that against me.
We need to be on the same page regarding the 3some this time. No more "one of us should probably leave" moments.
Just had a threesome with a hot Turkish guy and an even hotter French lawyer. This what happens when I travel alone. You have only yourself to blame for this.
Someone broke into my car and stole it then left me $300 to pay for the damages with a lovely note that said "we just couldn't pass up the boxed wine... Sorry about the window."
Yeah we were on bar number 7 on our bike trail and you decided to steal my bike and we found you 20 minutes later eating Cheetos in the shallow end of your parents pool
OF COURSE I FUCKED HIM! Did you not read the part about him having red and green Christmas condoms?
Is it too much to ask for 10 minutes of privacy while I masturbate?
I can appreciate that you picked up the hot drummer, but don’t have sex in front of my house lmao
Randomize
