she asked if mt Rushmore was natural or man made
He came up behind me making dolphin noises in my ear when I noticed a collection of hors d'ouevres from the reception earlier in his jacket pocket
I will never doubt you again...he IS perfect for you
Just Everbombed a Guiness to make up for cutting out early last night. Also the Mars probe. Happy birthday motherfucker!
Youre the drunk baby that everyone wants to take care of.
Sorry about the flaming shit on your door
I never thought I'd be in my late 20s and send that text
She looks like a Midwestern news anchor that got fired so she has done nothing but eat for the past 6 months.
I need a costume
Dude just wear a bra or something hahaha
Funny how I'm trusting a magic 8 ball I found in the kids toy section to tell me about my sex life
Clearly I was drunk when I met them I gave them a muffin. But they sure remembered me
I only get hit on by people going through their midlife crisis. Yes, I did purposely write that gender neutral.
When he's drowning in your chest and he muffles out the words 'I just want to live here' that's a compliment right?
I got bit by a peacock. That's how hard shit went down last night.
It's 9:07 in the morning and I am so hungover right now I'm about to take the kids I'm babysitting to mf'ing Popeyes bc that's all I want in this world
Im gonna go lick parts of my apartment. Good night and be ever vigilant, you never know when I'm coming to epoxy your hand to you nipple.
I WILL KICK YOU IN THE FUCKING THROAT IF YOU EAT MY FUCKING ICE CREAM.
Randomize
