I just walked by a ginger with a mullet. I repeat GINGER mullet. So help us God.
I just saw a guy getting escorted with handcuffs on, I'm too drunk to be at the airport right now.
Game over. He has a paternity test request on his table.
I can't wait to be a mother. My daughters gonna outdrink every boy in her grade
Buying Plan B right after a lecture on feminism. It's nice to know who I can thank for that right.
What's the over under on catching something from your sister?
he screamed PILLOW FIGHT and hit branden in the head with a pillow that had a fifth of vodka in it. then he asked why he wasnt laughing
I need to stop getting in the car with my dad when im rolling balls. I think he's starting to notice my eyes aren't usually completely pupil
I'm surprised I don't have a permanent face imprint between my boobs.
thanks again for a nice night (and please don't fuck my boss)
So, no matter what happens today, hold on to this. At least you're not naked under your ex husband's trench coat being stopped by the police who also work with your ex husband. Long story. Actually, not a long story. That's it.
I need to stop getting so drunk at bowling
Shut up. The only friend I need in life is Jim Beam because life is meaningless.
Why didn't we pregame for this?
Because it's breakfast!?!
I don't know where you went, but if you're anywhere near the liquor, pour me another drink
Randomize
