Her tattoo has the intellectual profundity of snakes on a plane except you can't laugh.
So I woke up today with someone's door knob in my pocket. I hope everbody else got out of the house ok.
Contrary to what peaches says, you can't fuck the pain away. Full story later. Have a good morning, buddy.
Ok. In one sink is a hairdrier. Still plugged in. The other is filled with broken glass. What do I do?!
Nvm. Bloody hand trumps dead. Also, where is gauze.
he somehow instantly knew i was from vermont.
it probably had something to do with chasing your soco with maply syrup.
Softest bathroom rug I've slept on in my life, there have been many
Dude. There's gotta be an article in Cosmo about it cause I've had three different girls tongue tickle my brownie this month.
She's cute, but batshit. Like some kind of dominatrix disney princess.
Nope not happening. When I close my eyes the floor moves. I'm going to enjoy this free roller coaster.
He came over and said its legs day so put them in the air! Fucked me for 30 minutes and said he had dinner reservations to go to. Well i just ran into him and his friends hammered at Taco Bell
I'm gonna have to get you a special blowjob bib -- like a lobster bib -- but instead of a picture of a little red lobster, it will have a picture of a penis, with 3 big squirts coming out.
There is nothing wrong with me introducing you as elephant dick. Nothing.
Someone snapchat me a pic of you topless laying on the bar with Scotty pouring a bottle of tequila down your throat. IT'S NOT EVEN ELEVEN YET.
School starts next week
I'm pretty sure I just gave myself third degree burns from punching my pizza.
I swear the toilet was so cold I tried to stand up but my balls wer frozen to it. most awkward five minutes between me and my mom.
Randomize
