morning outfit: hottub soaked skirt. no underwear. someone's bandanna worn as a shirt. took me an hour to walk home. this isn't fun anymore.
Seriously. Doesn't matter if I went out last night, work is like crafts class w.a side of facebook
Please don't die.. At a gay bar... On a Wednesday. Obituaries are not allowed to be that entertaining.
Found you in the bushes with fireworks, a teacup and no shoes. Decided it was a bad time to wake you.
we found his I.D. in the upstairs bathroom...under a towel in a hidden pile of snacks from her kitchen
he made a bald eagle out of coke lines
She peed in the limo. She stood up and pulled up her dress and peed on the floor of the limo.
come parachute off the vicodin airplane with meee
I seriously don't understand how you keep getting laid.
Because I'm like the spider of false hope. I spin elaborate tales and snare them in my web of utter disappointment. They soon realize their mistake, but by then it's too late.
I told him if he went to see magic mike with me I'd cover his eyes during the penis parts
Currently playing beer pong versus the girl i lost my virginity to.....and her mom
So because I'm off tomorrow that means your dick could be in my mouth majority of that time
Was I trying to make a threesome happen again?!
Yep
I need to stop doing that, Im gonna get punched in the face
They tricked me into going into that room by saying we'd smoke a bowl and then they all proceeded to have an intervention with me about my love life.
I should never have to text my best friend asking if she eloped again last night.
Randomize
