My dad just came home, said hi to mom and me in the kitchen, and then said "I'm gonna go inject my blood with iguana saliva".
you were watching a documentary about sharks and wouldn't stop stroking my legs and whispering "what if they could walk?"
She left me a voicemail too. It's just her moaning her name repeatedly
Just paid my credit card bill at the bar. This phone makes it so I never have to leave
we tried to steal a tractor last night. you should have come out.
There's a very real possibility that I'll wake up in your uncle's driveway.
I just slow jerked to the titanic theme song, i dont think theres enough alcohol in the state to get me over her tonight
My mom just saw the bruise on my chest from the bite mark he left. Played it off that I hit myself w a box of beauty products. She believed me. God I love working retail sometimes.
ummm im also counting the $14 dollars I gave the old guy to pay for the cab I called for him to take to the hospital last night as part of ur present.
We hooked up in his car and afterwards he cried. I think I need to find a new hookup...
PICK ME UP NOW I THINK THIS MOTEL IS A CRIME SCENE. also congrats on your engagement i saw the post on my phone while i was climbing out the window
I yelled out "blow jobs!" in my macroeconomics class. Ask me more about how my life is spiraling out of control.
I'm still not sure how to feel about the fact that we had a threesome with a guy the same age as my dad
Talked a police officer into driving us the 1/2 mile home from the bars because we didn't want to walk. I never knew the back of cop Cars had plastic seats.
One lesson I've learned so far from college: You've always got time for one more shot. Always
Randomize
