Sex on bubble wrap = best decision ever.
so i completely puked my brains out. a lot. he held me up so i could brush my teeth. then we proceeded to hook up for the next four hours.
he's a keeper
checking your phone to see who you drunk dialed last night isnt as funny when you see you had a 17 minute call to your dad.
Just did a line with a monopoly bill. Tell me I'm not fancy.
You tried to convince her that if she gave you head she'd hear the ocean.....
Just look for the house with the beer knights.
Srsly this has gone to far. Just broke my nose on the toilet. College bars.
All I've consumed over the last couple days is Vanilla Coke, semen, and Coors. I don't think today will be any different.
I assume it was your influence that had me go from DD to waking up out on the deck with one eyebrow shaved off??
I mean, I thought you would respect me for turning your life around for the better. It seems just yesterday that I found you in a ditch with a cock in your mouth.
drinking from the bathtub cause I'm too lazy to walk downstairs and too thirsty to care
What guy invites over a booty call, gets all naked and then when the real fun begins and a condom is needed, claims to not have one? And wears socks THE entire time?
Also I told several people at the bar last night that my dad the alligator wrestler died wrestling an alligator. So if anyone asks that's real.
Btw I definitely had pizza sauce on my face, a painful hickey on my neck, and I just remember screaming SISTER WIVES because of the girl's 1997 jean skirt! Wow.
I just found a ladybug shell in my underwear. What was I doing last night?
Randomize
