You know how britney does the hair flip too much in her new videos? Thats me right now
My mom just told me that the key to a successful marriage is never seeing your partner take a shit.
You were so drunk last night you thought you force pushed the automatic door open.
She left me a voicemail too. It's just her moaning her name repeatedly
We glued Jenga blocks together, called it "magic blocks" and sold it to the stoners for $50 and a bottle of Henny
I just saw the Mona Lisa in the background of a porno. Whole new appreciation for art. fuck you I'm cultured.
Why didn't I see you last night!?
We made out like 4 times....I think I saw you.
Um, you were throwing up the shocker symbol in front of all of the wedding guests during the best man's speech. No wonder the groom thinks we're bad
Hahaha I don't remember taking it away. But no one should have a sledgehammer at a party. NO ONE.
She only fucks to metal. I don't know whether to marry her or run for the hills.
Everyone was in the walk-in getting high, and I had to be all cool. Serving soup and salads. Night manager status doesn't pay enough.
the fact that you have a guy named the "i want you to tie me up and fuck me" guy speaks volumes about your life.
Pssh I just bang a girl in a single person tent. Thats like the back seat of a sedan.
We inadvertently arrived at the strip club on Bear Night. The dancers all look like young Santa Claus and there's a buffet....
I gave you keys to my house and drugs. This must mean we're in a relationship.
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