I found a knife in my bed when I got back this morning. I think one of my roommates has it in for me
she said "lets play dickbreaker!" and then threw my blackberry at my dick as hard as she could.
i was so blacked out at my family party.. my mom gave markers to all my little cousins. i was tagged by 5 year olds.
I drank 13 shots. Which is unlucky. Which is why i threw up.
you threw up because you drank 13 SHOTS
Miserable. My projectile vomit just woke me up from a 5.5 hour nap.
is it sad that i can describe this night as "the night that i was sober" and we all know which night it was. like literally one night of sobriety.
you duct taped a twenty to your thigh just in case and passed out.
The best thing about my promotion is that I now have an office with a door. I can take my naps in peace instead of leaning my head against the stall in the bathroom.
I can't believe they pay you six figures. I hate you.
I said I usually like going out for coffee before torturing someone's genitals. He said he understood.
She rode an inflatable shark down the stairs. Viva shark week.
I did a hand stand against the glass wall at Ziggy's with no panties on and got 3 phone numbers. Thank God I shaved this morning...
I've spent all afternoon taking and editing selfies. The life of a bimbo is truly tiring.
he's just got his life so together and it makes my pussy wet.
Perfect attendance and not being drunk since Sunday. This is a new leaf if I've ever seen one
You think you can just send me a picture of your dick and everything will be ok?
Yep.
Randomize
