Tell me why I go to the dollar store for nail polish remover and a ghetto black dude trys to hit on me in the parking lot, then he gets in line behind me with a dousche bag literally and that is his only purchase.
Yo, my girl thinks she's pregnant, so I've got a DD for the wedding. Sweet.
That's the second time in a week someone has called me to talk drunk you into getting up off the floor. This needs to stop.
you picked up the vacuum cleaner at one point and said you we gonna beat the shit out of me with it. that was kinda funny
It's called "lets see how many European capitals we can do the walk of shame through in one year"
I shame-fucked to Hotel California, don't tell me about priorities.
I think the closest to heaven you can get in this world is your morning dump after a night of Molly
Yo, I can't just ask my mom where she relocated my vibrator to, can I?
I can't blame him for thinking that then, placing a cone shaped potato chip on the tip of his penis post bj is not a normal act of love
you said I shouldn't try to fill the void in my meaningless life with dicks but i am trying and it totally works
You just gave me the title for the series of our lives. Haha. Chapter 12: the cocaine on the back of the hairbrush
Also fuck yeah conspiracy
you kept shouting 'jesus penis' when i was on the phone with 911
I have a video on my phone of someone streaking in my house last night, do you have any idea who it is?
he invited me over. we listened to jazz, smoked weed, then cerebrally fucked each other over a three hour game of chess
Randomize
