can you come get me at the bar
ill be there in 10 min
can we stop off at build a bear on the way home
I don't know if you realize how depressing it is to get your card denied....when you're only spending $4.
me and this guy in my office just exchanged an "i saw you at a drag show last night" look as he passed by my desk.
Is it bad that we're talking like nothing happened?
Ah. Blossoming love after wild blackout drunk sex.
My Pizza Lunchables won't fit in the fridge because of all your alcohol. One of our addictions has to give.
I thought you should know that there is a scientific law stating that when there is booze, people talk about your dick.
I love you more than champagne and correct grammar
Terrible hangover + phoenix airport + pizza hut....I think I might have entered one of the levels of hell.
And the cops are back. At least my pants are on this time
You called his parrot a seagull, a pigeon and a rat with wings, and told it to go eat Cheetos out of a dumpster.
Never remove your contact lenses after eating an entire bag of spicy doritos.
you told us the chicken was mocking you, then proceeded to explain that every time someone reads your mind you accidentally think of something sexual
Woke up way too warm in the middle of a spooning sandwich. Was working up a rant about still not wanting a threesome. Then I realized the littlest spoon was the dog. Might need to break up anyway.
At some point you said you just wanted to get laid, so we had a moment of silence for your dead sex life...
Intelligence report: the hot sister called you gross, the sweet sister says you're dumb, and the smart sister says all the other men she knows would have to die for her to hook up with you.
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